Dr. Mallard's Diary: Entry 11.1

Creating a meal plan for your undead servants is no mean feat. Contrary to popular belief, lesser undead does not refer to the quality of undead. One cannot simply leave their zombie thrall with a bowl of ichor and expect a functioning and effective servant. It is such maltreatment that leads to the brash stereotyping of lesser undead as mindless ravenous shambling beasts. 

As with any creature, they must be provided with sustenance of the highest quality in order to ensure that they maintain their capabilities and are functional to the highest degree.  

To prepare a dinner service for the lesser undead, one must procure a live or recently deceased corpse, preferably within the last few hours or so. Due to their constantly decaying forms, it is easy to mistake zombies as a scavenging breed—their easiest targets are in coffins. But in fact, like most undead, they are a  phagogenerative: Their physical condition is directly proportional to the health of the flesh they consume.
Now, if you are concerned about the ethics of procuring said corpses (Side not:I don’t really see why this would be an issue if you have an undead servant), fear not. You’ll be able to find plenty of corpses in hospitals and in morgues. What’s a few missing bodies in a morgue?  There are also walking corpses that should serve your services. You know them quite well. They’re called old people. A convenient thing about the lesser undead is that their condition cares not for the age of their victim prior to death. Only the quality of rot post mortem.
When breaking down a human body for consumption, it is ideal that you separate it into its component parts. If you can, have your local coroner do the butcher. However if said coroner is unavailable, it is possible to do some home butchery. 

For specifics on the removal of organs, I recommend looking up how the Egyptians mummified their corpses. They were rather effective in that area as it was necessary to  . For the breakdown of bones, I would like to direct you to research on the butchery of cows as they are the closest substitute I can think of. Make sure to drain the individual fluids and save them—they’re essential for nutrition and absolutely phenomenal to cook with. 

When serving an undead, it is customary to start with the tongue served raw. While popular convention might say that you ought to start with the brain, if the zombie is well enough to eat, then it is well enough to taste. However, what would get in the way of such a pleasurable experience is the lack of a tongue to taste with.

Tongue Sashimi: 

Ingredients:
1 human tongue (whole) 

To prepare such an hors d'oeuvre, you are going to need one whole human tongue. Pig’s tongue might prove to be suitable for a time but none is quite so familiar and delicate as the human palate. 

To cook-
1. Take the whole tongue and lay it horizontally from you.
2. Pray the night’s offering to your dark god. If you do not know the night’s offering, how the hell did you get a zombie in the first place? 

3. Using your sharpest knife, slice across the tongue such that you get thin short rounds. I have to emphasize the thinness of the meat you are cutting. It must be paper thin. Thin enough that even moonlight might bless your eyes through it. Or a gust of wind might take a bite. It must be this thin as a lot of zombies have the issue of a decaying jaw. They will be unable to chew such a tough piece of meat if cut too thick.
4. Serve, blood and all, rolled up on a stone block. 

Once this has been done, you’re ready to serve the rest of your planned meal. It is a lot of steps to provide quality care and sustenance for your zombie servants. But, think of it not as a chore in the way of your life, but rather, another means to be creative through the art of death.