Dessicated Coconut

It was a long day at the morgue and for Lucia it was stretching well into night. 

“I’m sorry about having you stay longer…you were just the only one free.” said Vera, the older mortician as she fixed her makeup.

“Two John Doe’s and a Jane.” 

”Three clients right before Valentine’s day. Talk about a bodycount.” 

 “It’s more than I’ve had in a few months,” said Lucia with a hollow chuckle. 

“Dry spells end,” said Vera. “You’ll find someone.”  

“You get them often?” 

“Never had one.”

 “Ah.” 

Lucia lightly kicked the trash can, imagining it were Vera’s leg.
“Now don’t be like that.” said Vera. “You’re a lovely beautiful woman with a horrifying job. What kind of person wouldn’t want to have you?” 

She gave Lucia a tight hug and a big kiss on the cheek. 

“You sure you can’t stay?” said Lucia hopefully, rubbing the lipstick off her cheek. 

“I would, but for me and Charles, Valentine’s starts the moment I get home and ends when those pills wear off.” said Vera, leering. .

Lucia smiled back, wondering how she’d go about managing a fourth body. She ultimately decided against it as it would be too much work. She settled for flicking her friend in the head instead. 

“Shut up and enjoy it for me,” she said. 

   “Oh, I will,” Vera said with a wink. “Don’t do anything creepy with the clients. Rigor mortis is nice but you can't beat a warm body.” 

“You’re disgusting.” she called out as her friend left the building. 

As the door shut with a resounding slam, she sighed. She had a lot of work to do. 

A loud knocking suddenly came from the cold storage. She ran in, worried for her life, only to find Vera’s stupid face pressed against the glass.
“Don’t forget to eat dinner.” 

She did not, in fact, eat dinner. She thought it would be better to just get the work done so she could lay down and mope for the rest of the evening. And tomorrow. Preferably the rest of the week. Or year.  

Body preparation is simple enough. The stretchers make moving the cadaver from the fridge to the lab mostly manageable for a petite 5’4 woman such as herself. Although by no means did it mean they weren't heavy.  

This specific specimen was rather large, especially in a specific region of his body. Something Lucia took special note of with a sigh. 

“Damn shame.”
She went on to examine the rest of the body. All was normal, she noted save for a flap of loose skin just under his left nipple. She examined it and found there to be a hole. Quite a clean hole. It was almost like he was born with it. 

She took the little penlight attached to her keys and shone into the hole. 

“No heart?” she remarked, looking at the empty cavity. “Is that what killed you?” she asked the corpse. 

“Partially,” the corpse replied. 

“Huh…” 

It wasn’t the first time she had talked to a corpse. And as long as she worked here, it certainly wouldn’t be the last. 

“Truth be told,” said the large man. “I was already dead.” 

“Well, I imagine it would be excruciating, having no circulation.” she replied. “Very cold, I imagine.”  

“So you do understand!” exclaimed the corpse. “I was alone, with no heart to speak of. My life was cold and empty. Without love. Without a muse. Without-” 

“Without shutting up?” she offered in her mind.  

“-a woman by my side.” 

He looked at her, straight in the eye. “Would you be that woman? Would you be the heart that beats inside my chest?’ 

She checked his body out, and then returned his gaze, thinking about it for quite a while. 

“I suppose I could-” 

There was a loud bang as she slammed his embalmed corpse back into storage. 

She wrote down on her notepad.

John Doe

Age: approx, 26

“Cause of death: Drowned 

Note: Strange hole was found in the thorax, located to the left of the lower sternum. 

Her stomach grumbled. She wrote down in another pen, color red this time.  

Additional notes:  Emotionally unstable. Attractive, but has horrible attachment issues. Total drama queen.

She set her pen down and began work on the next body. 

This one was much lighter, however it was also much longer…The body, not his member. 

As she began her examination, she was able to discern quite a few things about him. He was clearly quite well off as he had very good skin, even for a corpse.His hands had the softness of a baby that was not allowed outside his crib, with nails like well shaped almonds and hair so full of product that it held shape even as they dragged it from the river. 

And similar to the previous corpse, John Doe 2 now had two holes in his body. They were located parallel to each other, just under each nipple. 

She shone her light in and sure enough..

“No lungs?” 

“Not a breath lost on you, sweet cheeks.” 

This was said by the corpse who, while attractive conventionally, Lucia would have rathered it be waterlogged and unable to speak. Preferably choking on a rat. 

“Could I ask how you lost your lungs?” she asked. 

“Straight to the point.” he said, smiling a smile Lucia was sure he thought was charming. “I like that.” 

She resisted the urge to shove the scalpel into his eye. 

“Please, explain.” 

“Ah yes,” he started. “Believe it or not, I used to have lungs. I know, right? Shocking. Amazing!” 

“I didn’t say anything.” 

“I used to be able to breathe like a normal person. Well, better than a normal person.” he said, with a glint in his eye. “Do you know what I used to do?” 

“I have a feeling you’re gonna tell me.” 

“Professional gambler.” he said with a face full of pride. “Poker star. I can read you like a book and tell you exactly how your story’s gonna go.” 

He grinned.
“Care to let me write your story, baby? I heard it’s Valentine's tomorrow.” 

“You didn’t explain how you lost your lungs.” 

“Ah yeah, “ he said, brushing her off. “Some woman took it. Pushed me off a bridge. Could you believe that? Someone was jealous of the very air I breathed. I mean I can’t blame them-” 

His eyes flicked to her, and he shifted his blue body to face her. 

“I do blame you though.” 

“The hell did I do?” 

“You took my breath away.” He fluttered his eyelashes seductively. 

Another loud crash as she slammed his embalmed corpse into the fridge, glad to be back in the silence. Although just in case,  she may or may not have used sutures to seal his mouth. 

“Please…” 

She clicked her pen and began jotting down notes. 

John Doe, 

Age: approx, 27

Cause of death: Drowned 

Note: Strange holes were found near the thorax, similar to subject one, however they were placed perpendicularly on his ribcages, exposing his, or at least the lack thereof, lungs.  

Additionally, she scratched further. She wasn’t really hesitating now. I recommend we cremate the client. Upon examination and further evaluation, I have concluded that this body is a biohazard and must be disposed of immediately. For your own sake.  

The last part felt a little emotional, she thought. But then she was more than a little emotional. The emotion was 50% hunger, 40% disgust and 10% yearning. Her stomach grumbled again. 60% hunger, she thought to herself. 

She sat down on the floor, with the face of someone procrastinating. It was getting quite late and she needed a little breather. Two men hit on her, which was great. They were dead, which was not so nice. And they were both terrible people, which was a the nail in the coffin. 

 As she sat on the cold tiles, Lucia heard someone knocking. But there was nothing at the window. 

Looking up, the knocking had stopped and had been replaced with a feminine face. 

"Could I help you?"

"I'm alright."

She crawled out of her little cubby and stumbled, right on to the floor, naked as the day she was born. 

"Are you sure you're dead?" asked Lucia.

“I’m pretty sure.” she said, stretching. “Was in that river for a good coupla days.”  

Lucia checked her for a pulse, surprised at how warm she was to the touch. Alas, there was no heartbeat. 

In spite of this, the Jane Doe looked quite healthy. Not so much as a scratch on her. She also lacked the holes that were on the two corpses. Instead, she had a rather distended belly, which honestly was rather normal for a corpse. 

The Jane Doe noticed her eyes.
“Hey, stop looking down there.” she said. “I’m just a little bloated.” 

“May I examine it?” 

Jane Doe blushed—something Lucia would have thought impossible without a heartbeat.

“I mean yeah sure. Just be gentle.” 

A few minutes later on the slab…

“I’ll be as gentle as possible.” said Lucia, as she sawed open her stomach. 

As she opened up the body cavity, she was pleased to announce,

 “You have no missing organs.” 

“Am I supposed to be missing organs?” 

“Well no,” she said. “But you do, however, have an extremely swollen stomach. Would you mind if I-?” She held her scalpel up to her.

The corpse shrugged.
“You’ve gone this far.” 

“I just want your consent.” she said, slicing through the tissue. It opened up to reveal a couple of large masses. As she extracted them, they were revealed to be a pair of crumpled lungs and a heart.

“Huh..”

“Oh my god, that feels so much better.” she said, sitting up, guts still hanging out. “I had a bit of indigestion.” 

“What are you doing with organs in your stomach?” asked Lucia. 

“I was hungry.” said the corpse. 

“And what were you doing in the river?” 

“It was a bad day.” 

“I don’t think that’s a good enough explanation. Like you can’t just go around doing whatever if you’re hungry.” 

Lucia’s stomach grumbled. 

“Looks like you’re hungry too.” The corpse looked at Lucia’s face. “More like hangry.” 

 She pinched Lucia’s nose. Lucia slapped her hand away.

“C’mon, let’s get dinner.” she said. “I can spill my guts then.” 

“You already are,” said Lucia.

“Ah right,” she said, “ Please close me up.” 

She giggled as she pulled the flaps of skin together. 

“Why would I go to dinner with you?” she said, suturing up her stomach. “You’re probably just going to eat me.”

“Only if you ask nicely.” said the Jane Doe, with a knowing grin. 

Lucia sighed. 

There was a resounding slam, this time from the door of the Morgue. A letter was pasted on it that read.

Lucia       Age- Nunya damn business 

Cause of Death- Out for Dinner. 

Note: Don’t wait up. 

Lucia ran back to write something else. Huffing and puffing, as she carried a large black bag.

Additional Notes: One of the John Doe’s went missing. Not sure how.